Want to know how to become the most important poet in America over night? Jim Behrle has the answer: How you can become the most important poet in America overnight.

Here’s a snippet:

There are many paths through the art. Having enough money to sit in a log cabin all day watching foxes make out, with berries on one’s breath. Having an entire university beneath one’s command. Ability to drag friends in for a little merlot and sloppy sex with students.

This is perhaps my favorite part:

Jay Leno, not Conan O’Brien, is the future. Why? Because Leno is more devious, sinister, and craven. These are things to aspire to be. Jay Leno would reach through your skin and deep into your stomach to fetch an undigested Skittle if he were hungry for one.

Makes me shy about eating Skittles ever again. That’s for damned sure.